Communication Basics – Five Steps to Better Conversation

One of my favorite questions from coaching this past year has been “why are you passionate about leadership coaching?” While there are a number of reasons, one in particular has been the focus on clear communication. I find that the techniques I use in coaching have also helped me improve my communication in my daily life. Today I’m diving into five communication skills translated from coaching and how to have better conversations.

Communication Skill #1 – Listen to understand, not respond

We could all stand to be more patient. Often there’s a temptation to “hear” someone while preparing your own reply rather than listening to them fully. But this doesn’t build connection or empathy and prevents you from having true discourse. More importantly, it’s obvious to the other speaker when someone is doing this! You might recognize it as someone repeatedly opening and closing their mouth as if to speak. Or, they might try to quickly interject when you take a breath (as opposed to being finished talking). It puts them on the defensive, and they might be more careful with their words rather than being more transparent. Instead, listen with the intent to understand what the other person is saying. Going a step further, listen so well that you could repeat it back to them!

Communication Skill #2 – Listen at “level 2 or 3”

In coaching, we describe listening in 3 levels. Level 1 is listening for what is being said (i.e. the actual words the person is using). Most people listen, and are listened to, at level 1. However, listening at the deeper levels, which focus on motivations and values, might help us find understanding and common ground. When coaching, this helps me pull out additional information and continue asking relevant questions. In personal or professional conversations, I might gain better insights or improve a relationship even if I disagree with what’s being said.

Communication Skill #3 – Be transparent about your own motivations

Listening for motivations and values is an important skill, and you can’t always expect others to communicate those outright. However, you can control your own transparency. Be the brave one. Clearly communicate not just what your position is, but WHY that’s your position. You can create a space for dialogue by exploring rationale much more easily than by exploring positions on the surface.

Communication Skill #4 – Recognize when it’s time to pause the conversation

Despite your best efforts, sometimes the conversation simply isn’t going anywhere. As a coach, this can happen when it’s clear that a client has some information that might be valuable, but isn’t ready to share it. In daily conversation, you might see it when someone is quick to repeat their position, but reluctant to explain “why”. It might also be time to pause a conversation when tensions rise, or simply when there’s no “good” outcome. Try resisting the urge to jump quickly to a decision or conclusion just to avoid loose ends. It’s okay to pause a discussion and come back when you have more information or are in a better headspace.

Communication Skill #5 – Be Authentic

“Just be yourself” feels like a bit of a cliche, but that’s really what I’m going for here. Authenticity is so important in communication. Being authentic helps build rapport and allows you to express yourself fully. Without authenticity, you can sound guarded, or like you’re not telling the whole story.

Thanks for reading! I hope this list was helpful. As a reminder, if you’re interested in coaching with me to work on some of the skills here (or any others), check out my offerings on my leadership coaching page!

Sean

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